My ideal Afterlife would be profoundly different from what is proclaimed by the believers and religious sectors of our population, i.e., that our souls rise to Heaven where we can rejoice in the presence of God and our deceased loved ones for eternity. The imagery I’ve had of that proposition is that we would float around bodyless, with halos over our head like angels. I have issues with this hypothesis on several levels, the principal one being the concept of eternity. What enjoyment can there be in an existence that never changes and lasts forever? I feel that we need an end to every beginning, even if that is ad infinitum, so that we can move on to a different experience that will also have a beginning and an ending until the next beginning, and so on and so forth. Also, as bad as my body has been impaired over the years, it is still my body and I would want it to enter the Afterlife along with my soul. And I would definitely want the freedom to choose an eternal wardrobe, rather than having to wear some stupid bland gown. Moreover, it seems to me that the presence of bodies in Heaven would help us to identify those predeceased loved ones, because we have no idea what their souls look like.

One proposal I would make to relieve the boredom of an eternal Afterlife is to allow the inhabitants the opportunity to occasionally return to Earth to help folks deal with hopelessness and grief, just as Clarence did in It’s a Wonderful Life and Patrick Swayze did in Ghost. Another suggestion is to permit requested reincarnations for limited periods of time. That would let us experience things we never could in our prior life. In my case I would like to be reincarnated as a parrot so I can mimic humans, or as a retired racehorse put out to stud to see how I could handle my duties there, or as a dog so I could learn what the thrill is in always sniffing everything and licking faces. My version of an Afterlife would be interactive enough to accommodate any wishes we might have to visit the past. If I had that opportunity, for example, I would want to hear the confession of the sinful Mary Magdalene, take a cruise on Noah’s boat, ask Martin Luther King if he’s had any other cool dreams, and inquire of The Three Kings of Orient if they ever received a thank-you card from Jesus or his mother for their gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 

Since I’ve been an ardent follower of music my whole earthly life, I fervently hope that the Afterlife offers musical opportunities to me, such as free harp lessons, a tooting of Gabriel’s horn, rapping on The Little Drummer Boy’s drum, and joining the singing Herald Angels. Educational time would be scheduled in my Afterlife, such as obedience lessons with Moses and philosophical sessions with St. Thomas Aquinas. Friendly get-togethers can be arranged, such as ice cream socials with the angels and frequent suppers with the Apostles, including perhaps a roast of Judas. And what would make an Afterlife really special is to prevail upon the Big Guy to periodically perform a miracle for enjoyment by the heavenly souls, such as hosting a picnic where He changes bread into pizza and water into beer for the multitude.

Beginnings and endings, occasional returns to Earth, reincarnations, interactions with biblical folks, and provisions for music, education, social activities, and miracles – those are features I would design for an Afterlife. If Heaven is not ready yet to include them, I’ll just wait in Purgatory, wherever the Hell that is.