I’m glad you asked. I’ll list them below and for posterity’s sake I’ll include those you may have endlessly heard before.

Irish Jokes:

Sean O’Malley was a faithful patron of Maloney’s pub in Boston. Each night he would order 3 pints of Guinness and 3 shots of Jamison, served side by side. Maloney asked him one night why he always asked for that. Sean explained that he had two brothers, Danny and Mikey, who still lived in Ireland, and since he misses them so much it helps to order drinks for them as if they were there with him. One night Sean showed up at the bar but only ordered 2 pints of Guinness and 2 shots of Jamison, served side by side. Maloney assumed that one of his brothers died and said to Sean “I’m sorry for your troubles. Was it Danny or Mikey who passed?” Sean replied “Oh, no, they both be fine still. “Tis me who’s on the wagon”.

One night Mrs. McGonigle answered her door and sees Paddy, her husband’s best friend. Paddy reports to her that there was an accident at the beer factory and that her husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. Mrs. McGonigle starts crying and says “Oh, Paddy, don’t you tell me that! Did he at least go quickly?”. Paddy shook his head and replied “No, not really. He got out three times to pee”.

Seamus O’Toole found a Genie lamp and rubbed it. Out comes a Genie who tells Seamus that since he released him from the lamp the Genie could grant him three wishes. Seamus pondered this and asked the Genie for a bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. The Genie replied “Your wish is granted”. Seamus is delighted and gets drunk on the magic Guinness bottle for weeks. He remembered that he could make two more wishes so he rubbed the lamp again and the Genie re-appeared, asking Seamus what would he like. Seamus excitedly replied “You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle? Well, for my final two wishes I’d like another two of them”.

An Irishman and an American were sitting at a bar in the Dublin airport. The Irishman spoke to the American and said “I’ve come to meet me brother. He’s coming from America and this is his first trip home in 40 years”. The American asked if the Irishman would be able to recognize him. The Irishman replied “I’m sure I won’t. After all, he’s been away for a long time, you know”. The American then commented “I wonder if he’ll recognize you”. The Irishman quickly said “Oh, but he will indeed. Sure, I haven’t been away at all”.

The Pig with the Wooden Leg:

I was driving out in the country one day and noticed a pig along the fence of a farm. I looked more closely at him and saw that he had a wooden leg. That aroused my curiosity, so I decided to drive to the farmhouse and ask the farmer why the pig had a wooden leg. The farmer first said “Let me tell you something about that pig. One day I was out in the field on my tractor and was having a heart attack. That pig saw what was happening, called 911, and saved my life”. I didn’t believe a word of that but decided to humor the farmer and press on. I responded “That’s amazing. But why does the pig have a wooden leg”. He replied “Let me tell you another thing about that pig. One night my barn caught fire and the pig immediately started to pour pails of water on the fire, keeping it under control until the firemen arrived. I give him credit for saving my barn”. Again I felt certain he was putting me on, but I was not going to be deterred, so I ask him again why the pig had a wooden leg. To that he said “You know, while I was in town buying supplies one day a traveling salesman came to my house and when he learned I wasn’t there he became intent on seducing my daughter. The pig reacted swiftly and chased the salesman away. That pig saved my daughter’s virginity”. I had enough, and firmly said to the farmer “For the last time please tell me why that pig has a wooden leg”. He looked at me in a forgiving way and said “Son, a pig that good you don’t eat all at once”.

Priestly Jokes:

A priest is driving in a swerving manner along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. He asks the priest if he has been drinking. The priest replied “just water”. The cop asked “then why do I smell wine”. The priest looks at the bottle and exclaims “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”.

A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked the rabbi whether he ever strayed from not eating pork. The rabbi said “Just once. There was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich”. Then the rabbi asked the priest if he ever strayed from his vow of celibacy. The priest admitted “yes, just once”. The rabbi commented “Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”.

A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates. The priest is given a small cottage and some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a mansion, and a box of silver and gold. The priest complained to St. Peter, reminding him that he was a priest for many years, and asking “why all I get is a little house and some food, while this guy who just drove a taxi gets much better rewards”. St. Peter responded “We go by results up here. When you gave sermons people slept. When this guy drove his taxi people prayed”.

Three old Catholic men and one elderly Catholic woman were having lunch one afternoon. One of the men said “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room people say Father”. A second man said “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people say Your Eminence”. The third man says “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room people say Your Excellency”. After listening to all this bragging the woman says “My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist and when she walks into a room people say JESUS”.

The Monkey Joke:

Warning – Visual imagination is needed for this one.

On a dark and rainy night an entire family was wiped out when their car smashed into a huge tree off the side of the road. The police arrived on the scene to investigate what happened. They checked for skid marks and took photos of the lifeless bodies of a man, a woman, and two children in the wrecked vehicle. One policeman noticed a monkey sitting on the ground near the accident site and decided to see what he could find out from the monkey about the accident. He pointed at the body of the man he presumed to be the father of the family and asked the monkey if he saw what the father was doing before the crash. The monkey made quick chugging motions and the policeman surmised that the father had been drinking. He then pointed to the woman who he presumed to be the mother of the family and asked the monkey if he had observed what she was doing. The monkey responded by opening and closing his mouth in rapid fashion and after seeing that the policeman noted that the mother was apparently talking up a storm, possibly causing the father to drink heavily. The policeman then pointed to the children and asked the monkey what, if anything, he witnessed the children doing. The monkey immediately swung his arms back and forth and against each other. The policeman took that to mean the children were fighting in the back seat of the car at the time of the accident. The policeman thanked the monkey for helping him with the investigation, but as he was leaving he turned around to ask one final question of the monkey, saying “Just Curious George, what were you doing at the time of this tragic accident”, to which the monkey responded by placing his hands on an imaginary steering wheel in a rotating manner.

Confessional Jokes:

Tommy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals. “That’s a grievous sin”, the priest says, and asks “was it Mary O’Hara?” “No, Father”, replied Tommy. “Was it Annie Muldoon”, the priest then asked. Again Tommy responded “No, Father”. The priest then said “Oh, was it Kathleen Donahue, perhaps?” Tommy reacted to that by saying “No, Father, and I don’t want to say who it was”. After leaving the church Tommy met up with a friend who asked him how the confession went. Tommy said “Well, I got 5 Our Fathers, 10 Hail Marys, and 3 great leads”.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but to no avail. Finally the priest knocks three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles “Ain’t no use pounding, there’s no paper on this side either”

A man kneels in a confessional booth and says “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids, and many grandchildren. Last night I had an affair with an 18 year old girl. I made love to her 3 times”. The priest said “Well, when was the last time you were in confession?”. “Never”, the old man replied, “I’m Jewish”. So why then, asked the priest, are you telling me about last night? The man proudly responded “I’m telling everybody!”

A man hadn’t been to church in a long time and decided he better go to confession before starting to attend Mass again. He enters the confessional box and is amazed to find a bar stocked with the finest whiskeys and cigars. As he’s looking at this he hears the priest and says “Father, it has been a very long time since my last confession and I must say I approve of the changes in here”. The priest responded “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side”.

Lawyer Jokes:

An elderly man was told that he had only weeks to live. He called together his three must trusted friends – his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer, and he said to them “I don’t subscribe to the notion that you can’t take it with you. I have $3 million and I want to give each of you $1 million with the understanding that you will return it to me before I’m lowered into the ground”. They each assured him that his trust was well-placed and that they would carry out his dying wish. After the man passed away the priest, doctor and lawyer chatted at the funeral service. The priest said that he wanted to confess that he used a relatively insignificant amount of the $1 million entrusted to him to pay for new stained glass windows in his church, but confirmed that he did bury the rest of the money in the coffin when no one was looking. The doctor then admitted that he too used a small part of the $1 million he held to purchase much-needed x-ray equipment for his office, but added that he too snuck the rest of the money into the coffin. The lawyer looked at the priest and the doctor incredulously and said he was so disappointed to learn that they didn’t return the full $1 million as they said they would on their friend’s deathbed. The priest and doctor looked at each other shamefully and then they asked the lawyer whether he returned the full $1 million that was given to him. The lawyer replied with indignation “You’re damn right I did. I put my check for the full amount in the coffin yesterday”.

A lawyer reports to his accused client that he has bad news and good news for him. “The bad news”, he says, “is that your blood is all over the crime scene and the DNA tests prove that you did it”. “What’s the good news”, the client asks. The lawyer replies “Your cholesterol is 130”.

The difference between accountants and lawyers is that accountants know they’re boring.

A man asked his friend what he would think if they found 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean. The friend replied “It’s a start”.

Doctor-Related Jokes:

A doctor treats a man with a heart issue. He prescribes pills and instructs the patient to take 1 pill on Monday, skip Tuesday, take 1 pill on Wednesday, skip Thursday, and so on. The doctors sees the patient’s wife about three weeks later and asks how her husband was doing. The woman informed the doctor that her husband died. The doctor expressed his condolences and said “I guess the tablets didn’t work. Did he die of a heart attack”. The woman replied “No, it wasn’t that. It was all that skipping that killed him”.

A doctor was conducting a seminar for patients to discuss health issues that often arise as one ages. He was discussing the severity of Parkinson’s Disease and Alzheimer’s Disease and rhetorically asked which would you rather have. An elderly Irish gentleman in the back of the room shouted out: “Parkinson’s. Better to spill a few ounces of Jamison than to forget where the bottle is”.

The Fishing Joke:

(Parental Discretion Advised)

I checked into a motel one evening and noticed a young couple emerging from a car with the words “Just Married” painted on the back window. They checked in and came up to a room on the same floor as my room. Very early the next morning I was getting some fresh air outside my room when I saw the man leaving the couple’s room with a fishing pole and fishing equipment in hand. He returned to the motel in the early evening. The next day and the day after that I witnessed the man again leaving in the morning and returning in the evening. My curiosity got the better of me so on the fourth day I decided to confront him. I asked if he was on his honeymoon as I suspected and he confirmed that he was. Why, then, I asked, are you leaving your wife at the crack of dawn each day to apparently go fishing instead of sharing passionate love with her? He first explained that his wife had gonorrhea. I replied that I was sorry to hear that, but thought I could give him some advice so I suggested anal sex. He said that was unpleasant because his wife also had chronic diarrhea. I was feeling very sorry for this young groom and then mentioned that oral sex might give him some pleasure. He said that wasn’t an option either because his wife suffered from pyorrhea mouth disease. I couldn’t restrain myself from saying, “Gonorrhea, Diarrhea, Pyorrhea, why did you marry this poor girl?”. He simply responded by proclaiming “She also has worms, and they’re great for fishing”.

Corny Quickies:

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.

Why did that man fall in the well? Because he didn’t see that well.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Hey, you can yodel

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A Father-In-Law.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was poultry in motion.

What’s a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Aloha.

How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it.

Yet another Pig Joke:

A pig walks into a bar, orders 10 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asked whether the pig would like to know where the bathroom is. The pig replied “No, I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home”.