Well, I would certainly choose to accept the talents I do have, however meager they may be. They have served me well-enough over the years, especially my penchant for selecting the best and most expensive entrée on any menu and for being fashionable. But if offered the opportunity to become even more awesome I would choose the following talents:

Tap Dancing. Why not? I’ve always enjoyed clicking my heels.

Typing. I’m the last person I know of who is still even in this day and age a one finger pecker on a typewriter or a keyboard, although I must say I have a good sense of where the keys are located and I am pretty good at pecking.

Handyman Skills. I would love to be able to fix something, really anything. To wear a tool belt or lug a toolbox would do much towards enhancing my macho image.

Juggling. I don’t mean schedules or tasks, but actual juggling of balls or fruits which require adept hand/eye coordination. I’ve always been awed by that skill and am proud that one or more of my sons can juggle.

Write Poetry. I like things that rhyme. It shows a sense of good order and logical thought. I actually wrote several little ”roses are red, violets are blue” love poems to my wife. I think they were good enough to save our marriage.

Stand-up Comedy. I think the public should become aware of my comic skills. Stand-up is often performed in an establishment that serves drinks, so after some imbibing by me and by the audience I bet I could get a few laughs. At least my hearing loss would protect me from being derailed by rude hecklers.

Bilingualism. I think I could expand my horizons if I could fluently speak another language in addition to English. Due to my Catholic upbringing and altar boy days I would have a head start if I chose Latin. But that is not often spoken in my social circles. French or Spanish would probably be the second language, although I would love to be able to speak Gaelic or Australian, mate, just for the fun of it.

Musical Instrumentalist . Girls love it when you can play a musical instrument. I played a harmonica in my bedroom quite a bit when I was a child and I learned to play the first verse of “I Believe” on the piano in my house, but with one exception I have never come out of the closet to show musical talent. When I was in grade school the nuns put together a band which performed before parents, siblings, friends, substantial donors, and orphans at the end of the school year. I played the cymbal in that band (to much acclaim, actually). It’s no wonder I’m hard of hearing. Does anyone play the cymbal anymore? It is a lost art for sure. Quick – who is your all-time favorite cymbal player?

Crossword Puzzle Solver. Brain exercisers are more than Sudoku, life is more than numbers. Words matter. The New York Times crossword puzzle is the ultimate of its kind and I would love to have the ability to fully solve it, even if just once.

Painter Artistry. When I was a kid I had paint-by-number kits which I thoroughly enjoyed. My best was a painting of a horse which was so good my family framed it and hung it on a wall right next to a picture of The Last Supper. I could never stay within the lines on a paint-by-number picture today. I can’t draw anything at all, which happily disqualifies me from participating in the stupid Pictionary game. So I am totally in awe of anyone who has the talent to put a brush to canvas and create a picture or art.

Swim. I never learned to swim. In my mind I almost drowned twice. So I have a phobia about getting into a pool or a lake and at this age I’m not going to overcome it. But this is a wish list, right, and I wish I could add swimming to my exercise regimen.

Baking. I could care less about cooking, but I would love to have the skill of baking desserts and pastries. Cookies, Doughnuts, Cinnamon Buns, Beignets, Cannoli, Danishes, Cakes, and Pies. Especially pies. My grandmother made great pies, at least one every Sunday and several on holidays. Apple pie, lemon meringue pie, chocolate pie, raisin pie, cherry pie, custard pie, and mince meat pie. She never made blueberry pie or key lime pie, but they are also on my list of favorites. Pies are rarely on any restaurant dessert list and I think that’s a shame. If I had the talent of baking pies and if I were a decade or so younger I would enjoy doing that as my second career.

Please don’t think less of me because of all the talents I don’t have.

A talent that I know I have is to end story-telling at Happy Hour. It is now that time on the West Coast. Cheers!