After nearly 78 years of identifying myself as a Catholic and now certainly nearing the end of this life it pains me to say this, but, yes, I have doubted my faith, many times over. Being raised in a Catholic family, living within a block of our parish church, rectory, and convent, receiving my elementary and secondary education from the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart, attending Mass not just every Sunday and Holy Days of Obligation but also every school day, and serving as an altar boy, I was indoctrinated from the beginning in the rigid tenets of Catholicism. As a child I never questioned what the Church taught. When I knelt on my knees bedside to say my evening prayers, frequently under the watchful eyes of my father or my aunt, I believed God was listening. I was taught that He was all-knowing, so of course He must have heard me pray. Maybe Mary did too. The Catholic Church even composed a prayer to her.

That period of unquestionable submission to Catholic dogma ended, oddly enough, when I attended the University of Scranton, a Jesuit institution. The Jesuits are probably the most liberal of the orders of Catholic clergy (and as an aside, I was pleased when our current Pope Francis, a Jesuit, became what Catholics call the Holy Father), and they are wonderful educators. I knew little about the Bible before entering college, and certainly nothing about the Old Testament. I learned a lot about Christianity in the Theology and Philosophy courses taught by the Jesuits at the “U”, and I think the most important lesson was to distinguish between the teachings of Christ and church-made rules.

I recognized then there were many things I had been taught about God and Christ that could be questioned, even going back to first grade. . For example, I along with millions of other children who attended Catholic schools were instructed to memorize the Baltimore Catechism. One of the first questions in that universally accepted publication of Catholic doctrine was why did God make you, and the answer was to know, love, and serve God in this life. Other than what Jesus related, how do we know Him? Why did God need love from us? Did God need us to be his servant? The concept of the Church’s teaching that there is a Holy Trinity is bewildering, that there are three persons in one God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. If God is all-powerful and if Jesus is God made man, why is a third person needed? What exactly does the Holy Spirit do?. I’ve prayed to God and to Jesus, but never to the Holy Spirit, who initially was called the Holy Ghost until at some point the Church changed the image from a ghost to a bird-like creature. I also came to question the proposition that Christ died for our sins. What does that mean? His death didn’t eradicate sin. People still sin. Does it mean that to rid ourselves of our sins we must similarly be crucified?

The Old Testament often depicted God as vengeful, while faiths today say He is benevolent and merciful. Yet I think one can have doubts about that when they see bad things happening to good people, when they experience prolonged sufferings, when innocent children are ambushed, and when other tragedies and disasters occur (which for some reason, even though God is said to be merciful, such events are called “acts of God”). When comforting someone it’s common to say “you’re in our thoughts and prayers”. But do they really pray to God to be merciful with that person and relieve the suffering? When they say “prayers” do they actually just mean “hopes” or “wishes”? I think for many God has just become an expression. Nonbelievers regularly exclaim “oh my God”.

So in regard to whether I have doubted my faith, it was years ago that I lost my faith in and indeed my allegiance to Catholicism and its self-proclaimed boast that it is the one true church of Christ. Because it possibly denied a happier life to my father I have resented the Church’s position that a Catholic cannot enter a marriage in the eyes of the Church if one of the parties is divorced, and if one does so he or she is excommunicated, likely condemned to hell. I am ashamed by the revelations of clergy who have been pedophiles and other scandals that have been brought to light in recent years. So why did I continue to attend Mass? Actually, from September 1966 (when I was in law school) through September 1971 (when I started dating my wife) I rarely went to Mass. Claudia brought me back to regular attendance at Sunday Mass (or sometimes Saturday night). That really continued throughout our marriage. Even though I had lost my faith in Catholicism I was willing to attend Mass. The hymns were quite beautiful and the homilies often inspiring. I believe we both appreciated the sense of community and togetherness with our fellow parishioners. I did pray at Mass, and while I haven’t been to Mass since moving to Los Angeles, I still silently pray every day when I wake up, grateful for another day of life and asking for God’s blessing on my family. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I choose to believe He is reading my mind.

Faith is a belief. A belief is not a fact. So any belief can be doubted. I have no faith in Catholicism. But while it can never be unequivocal I do believe in Christ and the gospel stories of his time on earth, and I do believe in a Supreme Being that created all we know and who I call God. One concept, though, that I have a hard time getting my mind wrapped around is the notion of eternity. I will admit that does not seem appealing to me. I like a beginning and an ending, and then perhaps another beginning and ending, maybe ad infinitum. I know it sounds like I’m advocating for reincarnation. Maybe it amounts to that, but I just don’t see the thrill of floating around forever with no end in sight. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll wind up liking that. I’ll write another chapter from the other side to let you know.